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A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean. Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you've got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship's captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asks. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry." |
| A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married
the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never
to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best
of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty
beer bottles and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it
back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why.
That evening they were out at a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth." "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The woman was shocked but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in." |
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A man was so paranoid about the size of his manhood that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that." "Really?" the relieved bloke asked. She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit." |
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. |
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A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?" "Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!" |
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For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better." Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM." |
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Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining." |
| Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Mascara. Men are like.....Bike helmets. Men are like.....Government bonds. Men are like.....Copiers. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Men are like.....Bank accounts. Men are like.....High heels. Men are like.....Curling irons. Men are like.....Mini skirts. |
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PAYBACKS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles..... the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she doesn't like me to smoke so she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!" |
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The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide (a Berkeley publication) What They say: What They Mean:
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TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up! early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND, I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in ! 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV |
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